Exercise Habits for the Lazy and Unenthusiastic

To Whom This May Concern,

If you're anything like me, a lazy academic who spends much of her free time reading fiction novels and attaching herself to the nourishing bosom that is the Internet (a series of tubes), then your exercise routine is not at all up to par. Still, you desire to be more than a lump who has transfused with the living room couch; you desire to be a lump who occasionally removes himself from the couch gets a little exercise. I will give you a few ideas on how to accomplish that (using examples from my own life, of course).

Firstly, attempt to lose our car keys somewhere in the vicinity. It sounds like nonsense, but it is really a diabolical plan to get you actively searching for them for hours on end. If you've a roommate or someone you know and trust (who secretly enjoys torturing you), play the "Hide My Keys Somewhere That May Take Me Over an Hour to Find Them" game. Your reward for finding them is a beer and a spot in front of the television watching your favorite geeky shows.

Second, for those of you who (like me) have Best Buy Credit Cards and are shopaholics by nature, and also do not own a car (I get rides), why not walk to the nearest Best Buy Store on a nice, cool day to pick up the objects (likely a 1 terabyte external hard drive *drool*) rather than driving? Of course, my nearest best buy is only two miles away, and the four mile walk there and back again was the most walking I've done in a single day. Though, if your Best Buy store is eight miles away, and you've got to pick up a printer, I would not suggest this method of geeky exercise at all.

Third, find some stairs. Everyone suggests stairs, I know it. And if you're anything like me, you often take breaks on flights of stairs and pretend to be looking at a bulletin board or checking a text message, while the other, slightly more in shape college students pass me by. Still, elevators are for EXTREMELY lazy people, and you, my dear, are only a moderately lazy, unenthusiastic couch potato.

Fourth, challenge yourself. Do you have a friend who for some reason shows up at your abode and feels the need to 'grace' you with their time? Good. When you're sitting on the couch (as you usually are), watching television with them as they (quite loudly) explain all of their personal problems to you in great detail, you should kill two birds with one stone! And no, I don’t mean finally accomplish a mental breakdown (likely to be on your list of things to do before you die) and run out into the yard, shooting birds from the sky with a makeshift slingshot until your neighbor (a nice old lady with a bad hip) tackles you to the ground an attempts to perform an exorcism. What I mean for you to do is to say to your friend, "Want to play a game?" The games consists of the two of you seeing how many push-ups or sit-ups (you choose) that you and your friend can do in the short commercials during shows. At the end of each show, find a prize for the winner, such as the loser buys him a pizza or something of the like.

Fifth, chase someone. Now, this one, though being my most favorite method of exercise, is extremely dangerous. There are two ways to go about this. The first is to chase a good friend or family member -- basically, to play an adult game of tag, and to chase one another through the neighborhood or park. Feel free to find others to join in to the nostalgic game, make teams, play other games, etc. The second way to go about this, and by far the least recommended, is to chase some random person on the street. This version is heavily discouraged, due to the fact that rather than running, the person may hit you, call the police, or worse (pull out pepper spray, a gun, etc.). Despite what you may think, old ladies become extremely vicious upon being charged at (taken from personal experience).

And so, that is all the advice I have to give my fellow lazy and unenthusiastic couch potatoes who (like me) find it difficult to be motivated enough to move.

Sincerely,

Secktre

published 1 year ago

Secktre

95 points